Regarding the Miscarriage That Led Us To You


Someday I’ll tell you how empty we felt
when the nurse left the room, the scan of your
mother’s womb, empty and dark, like a sun-
spot. The Catholic doctor
who did the second scan tried to spin it
into light.

“My mother had a dozen kids and nearly as many
misses,” he said (or something like that)
with a sympathetic smile, but your
mother still wept all the way home,
and for days after, wondering who that small space
would have been.











days. The minutes and hours stretched
like an awkward verse pried open and scraped

Then, two months later,
two months after the emptiness
two months after the breath-taking scans
your mother became pregnant
with you.

I’m sorry to say it, but we didn’t dare hope for you
in those early days, so recent was that vast
emptiness. That lost future. We held our breath at the
first doctor’s visit
and the second
and especially later, when your heart would stop
for short periods of time. Your mother strapped on
a machine that tracked your beats through the night,
the line on the paper sometimes straightening out like
a desert horizon
or a needle with no string trailing behind.

When you finally slid into the world, angry and pooping
all over your mother, we laughed and cried and named you
Abra, “mother of nations,” from my favorite book
East of Eden
because, yes, we had left the garden behind, but we
also realized there was still good in this world, even after
the empty spaces.

Perhaps I could even say there is good in this world
because of the empty spaces
but that is a leap over a void
I am not yet prepared to take.



4 Replies to “Regarding the Miscarriage That Led Us To You”

  1. I feel the very same way about our Eden – what a gift and a light after such darkness. Thanks for putting it into words. I know you can’t imagine life without Abra – she brings such joy!

  2. This is just brutiful as Glennon would say. I feel a parallel somehow as I’m sitting here on the fourth floor of the myeloma institute in Arkansas. The day has come. My husband starts the medicine to kill the cancer and save his life. I can’t believe it has only been a month. The rain is falling and skies are gray. I’m just taking one day at a time and trusting God who has gone before us and continues to show himself present in it all.

  3. The same thing happened to Brian and me. We miscarried after Grace was born. Of course, we tried to remain brave and in control while we cried inside. Two months later, our Super Cooper was conceived. What a gift-from the minute he was born, he has brought pure joy to our lives. I can’t imagine the world without him. Thank you God for sending your blessing after the storm.

  4. Amen I to miscarried after my first son, thankful the Lord was my comfort and strength and my husband by my side we had 4 more children. One day I believe I will meet that child in heaven. For we know who formed us in the womb. Thanks for sharing life with us. Praying for you Anna and your husband

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