In this divisive election season, Democrats and Republicans agree on one thing: voters should be able to cast their votes via the social media giant Twitter. But their agreement goes no further than that, and they are currently locked in a struggle to determine the parameters of casting such a vote.
With 27 million Twitter users in the United States, politicians on both sides of the aisle are analyzing the data surrounding the users’ profiles. Both parties are scrambling to provide various filters as a means of helping their own cause.
Republicans, in a maneuver mirroring the passage of voter ID laws in various states, are pushing for more stringent qualifications on the Twitter vote – they believe the Tweeted votes should be accompanied by a Social Security Number, a Passport ID number, a Driver’s License number, a major credit card number, a secret password, the number of minutes in the voter’s favorite movie, a library card number, and an Instagrammed version of the voter’s birth certificate.
An Instagram official commented that “Photos of birth certificates will be a welcome change from babies, sunsets and food.”
Democrats, believing the Tweet Vote benefits them, have requested only one qualification: all votes cast via Twitter must be accompanied by the hashtag #DemocratsRuleRepublicansDrool. According to an inside source, Vice President Biden preferred #TelepromptersRuleRepublicansDrool but his choice was vetoed by the President.
Experts believe that if the Tweet Vote is eventually approved, each state would be given a certain time of the day during which those votes could be cast, most likely no longer than a half hour, tagged with @TweetVote.
Republicans are hoping that Twitter is down for most of the day as their new party mascot is the Fail Whale.
Here are the steps you need to take if you would like to vote through your Twitter account:
1) Sign up for a Twitter account using one of your eyeballs as the profile pic. Your retina will be scanned to guarantee authenticity.
2) Notify your local voter registration of your intent to vote via Twitter. They will probably have no idea what you’re talking about.
3) Enure your phone and laptop are in your possession on election day. Prank votes will count.
4) Learn how to Tweet. (This one’s for you, mom.)
5) Due to the popularity of American Idol, new Presidential election voting rules allow you to vote up to 8 times! RTs will not count as actual votes. Because of their annoyance factor, Auto-reply-DMs will count as one vote for the opposite party.
Now get out there and