Finding the Knives and Who I Used Them On

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“Sometimes this human stuff is slimy and pathetic – jealousy especially so – but better to feel it and talk about it and walk through it than to spend a lifetime being silently poisoned.” Ann Lamotte, Bird By Bird

I was surprised at the way it jumped out and wrapped itself around my throat, sort of pulled me to my knees in less than a second. I thought I was finished with that old foe. I guess I’m not.

It all started when a friend of mine made a simple comment about another friend of mine, how well his book is doing, how widely-read he is. And not only that but how he’s such a nice guy with a great smile and a wonderful family.

I went from peeling a mandarin orange to looking for the knives in less than a tenth of a second. To use on who? The friend doing the talking? The friend he was talking about? Myself? Those old insecurities sort of lurched out of the shadows and set up camp in my mind. They were making themselves at home. They figured it would take me a few days to get this all sorted out, and in the mean time they could enjoy themselves.

That’s the problem with jealousy – it brings so many of its friends along for the ride.

* * * * *

I tried to slow down my breathing but before I knew it I was going on and on in an uninterruptable speech about how well my next book would do (I was sure of it, and very convincing). I may or may not have thrown in a few lines about how well my blog was doing and how much money I made last year, how it was my best year. Thinking back on my response is rather humiliating. It was like I had thrown up all over myself and didn’t have the decency to leave the room.

A few weeks passed. A few months. In the mean time I exchanged a few emails with the very person my friend had talked about, the very person who had so inspired my jealousy, and I was able to remind myself of a few things.

He is a nice person. A good person even (at least as far as I can tell). He acts and talks as if I am further along than he is in this whole writing thing (which, you know, what does that even mean?). I sigh. This is getting me no where.

* * * * *

Sometimes the only thing that helps me get through my deepest insecurities is to put one word in front of another. For me, writing is the equivalent of running around inside my brain with a little mason jar and capturing all those flashing bugs of thought, then release them on to the page. It’s not a sure-fire cure, but sometimes it helps, just to look at it. Just to see it for what it really is.

* * * * *

Then, in the middle of writing this post and skimming Facebook and generally procrastinating the start to my day, I read this by Michelle DeRusha:

Once upon a time I knew this. Once upon a time, six years or so ago, I knew the book was enough. Just writing the book was enough, more than enough, because writing it brought me back to God. And how could that ever not be enough?

But then, little by little, it became not quite enough. The book needed it to change someone other than me. The book needed it to make an impact, transform a life, become something more. I needed the book to be more.

The book became about finding an agent, and then about finding a publisher, and then about marketing and platform and promotion. Before I hardly even realized it, the book became not nearly enough.

That’s it, I realized. That’s one of the large roots of the jealousy tree growing inside of me: a desire for more. More money, more readers, more attention. And if someone else has it, due to the false law of scarcity, that means I can’t have it. Just the idea that what I have right now could be enough immediately began to starve the life out of my jealousy. I realized I could breathe again.

I realized that what I have, right now, today, is enough.

Maybe that’s where jealousy takes roots in you? Maybe one day all you wanted to be was a teacher, but now you’re surrounded by the competition of academia. Maybe one day all you wanted was to be a pastor but now you can’t take your gaze off all those huge churches out there. Maybe one day all you wanted was to own your own business, but now you’re obsessed with outpacing your competition.

I don’t know. Maybe the cure for the jealousy inside all of us is to realize that what we have, right now, today, is enough.

* * * * *

How do you approach the areas of your life visited by jealousy?

Self-Publish Your Book in 2014…Here Are 8 Reasons Why

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Maybe it’s time for you to self-publish your book.

I know, I know. You want the affirmation of a professional third party (an agent, a publisher, or at least someone besides your mom or spouse). You’re worried about putting something out there that no one will read. You’re concerned about the marketing and promotional side to releasing a book.

Well, fear not. (That seems to be the theme this year: fear not. Do not be afraid.)

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve worked with three wonderful publishing houses and some incredible editors, and there are some huge advantages to working with an established publisher. Huge. Maybe that will be my next post.

But today I’m encouraging you to self-publish. Get your book out there. Create something, and give yourself the satisfaction of seeing it through to completion.

Here are eight benefits you’ll see should you decide to self-publish your book this year:

1)   Any story can be put into book form. It doesn’t matter how many people are interested in your story or your topic or your writing. You can write a book about your family, or a guide to recreating human organs out of spare Legos. You can write the story of your great-uncle Marv or a novel about ants (not that I have anything against novels about ants) – if you’re self-publishing, it can become a book. Books are still cool.

2)   You can title your book whatever you want. Because you don’t have to worry about marketing teams and third parties and, well, anyone else, you can choose any title you want. There’s a fair amount of freedom when it comes to self-publishing, and this is one of those areas.

3)   You can create any kind of cover you want. Would you like your great-aunt Martha to be on the cover? Your dog Grover? Or maybe you’re a minimalist looking for a black title on a white cover. Go for it.

4)   Access to inexpensive copies of your book. Most self-publishing services will give you a good deal when it comes to getting your hands on copies of your own book. If I want copies of books I’ve self-published, I can usually buy them for about $3.75 (with no minimum order). If I want copies of my books that have been printed through traditional publishers, I’m looking at paying anywhere from $6 – $9 (ouch).

5)   One of the great things about self-publishing is that you operate under no misconceptions that anyone else is responsible for the marketing of your book. Sure, with traditionally published books, the publisher will do its part for a little while, but there’s no substitute for creating your own PR and marketing plan, and then acting on it. When you have a publisher it’s easy to assume that ball is in their court, but when you’re self-publishing you have no one else to rely on. If you’re not talking about your book, no one is.

6)   Release the book whenever you want. I have friends who have written books and then it’s taken 18 months to 2 years for the publisher to release the book. I’ve had other friends who wrote the book and then the publisher changed their mind, or the acquisition editor got fired or moved on and left their title under-represented. I’ve been fortunate in that the published books that I’ve written were on a quick-release time frame, and all have moved along smoothly.  But if you self-publish, you could have that book in your hands as soon as you’d like, and no unexpected change in a huge conglomerate will alter that.

7)   Make more profit per book. Self-published paperback books will make you around 40% when sold on Amazon, self-published e-book’s will make you 70%, paperbacks you sell yourself will net around 70%, and you’ll make around 35% on books sold through local bookstores (although that takes a lot of work, getting a self-published book into a bookstore). For books that are traditionally published, the royalty for all of those, in any form, is closer to 15%.

But by far the most important benefit to self-publishing your book?

8)   You get to finish it and move on. I know too many writers who are sitting on that manuscript, just waiting for an agent or publisher to pick it up. And as the years pass, they don’t create anything new. They simply can’t get beyond that first book until it’s published. And this is where self-publishing is such a great tool, because you can publish it, learn from your mistakes, try to market it and learn from that, then write something new.

Of course, most of these could also be seen as negatives…make my own cover? Create my own marketing plan? Come up with the perfect title? Are you kidding me?

I never said self-publishing was perfect for everyone, or for every project.

What do you think about self-publishing versus traditional publishing?

What Would You Do If Your Child Confessed to Murder?

Refuse to Drown front onlyJust over six years ago, a high school student and his parents were killed by an unknown assailant. This happened right here in Lancaster County. What made the case unique was that weeks passed without the police receiving any solid leads.

Then, one month later, another high school student confessed to the crimes. But he did so in the confines of a counseling session, and the psychiatric hospital where he was staying turned to the boy’s father, also in the room when the confession was made.

“You need to do the right thing, sir,” the counselor told the father, Tim Kreider, inferring that it was up to him to turn in his son.

What would you have done, if your son looked like he might be getting away with murder? What would you have done, if your son faced three life sentences?

* * * * *

Three years ago, I received an email from a man named Walt Mueller. He said that he knew of someone who had a story to tell, and he wondered if I would be okay with him giving them my details.

Sure, I said.

Soon after that I received an email from a man named Tim Kreider. He said he had written a story about what he had been through recently when his son confessed to murdering his best friend and his best friend’s parents.

He wondered if we could meet.

* * * * *

For some reason I think it was in the fall. I remember standing outside the front door, waiting, wondering what Tim and his wife Lynn would be like. I’d never met the parents of a murderer before.

Tim answered the door and shook my hand. Lynn gave me a hug. Tim has changed a lot since that day when I first met him, and on that early evening, in 2010, he had very sad eyes. While he was eager to tell his story, there was a subconscious reluctance, a hesitancy. He knew that if he was serious about telling his story, he’d have to revisit emotional spaces he preferred not to visit again.

At the end of the evening he asked if I would take a look at what he had written.

I nodded.

He reached down and brought up a folder filled with over 300 pages. He asked me if I would read it. It was a very rough draft, he said, something he wrote in a heavy, dark place, but the writing of it had been one of the keys to helping him find his way after what his son had done.

Over the last three years we have rewritten it, polished it up a little, added sections previously forgotten. There were large chunks of time where the story lay dormant – things resurfaced, made the writing too difficult for Tim. Times when he needed a break, or when the business of life took over. But it is finished now, the story of a man whose son admitted to a terrible crime, and the decisions Tim was forced to make. It’s a powerful story, one full of redemption and hope.

If you’d like to find out more about it, please go and “Like” our Facebook page, Refuse To Drown. Or you can check out our website and sign up to be notified when the book releases, on or around February 1st of next year.

Thanks for supporting this, my latest venture. You folks have been such loyal readers through the years, and I’m really proud to bring you this incredible story.

* * * * *

If you would like Tim to share his story at your church, please let me know.

If you are a blogger and would like an advanced copy of the book to review on your blog during the week of February 1st, 2014, please let me know.

What Kind of a God

An excerpt from How to Use a Runaway Truck Ramp (this section was written by Maile):

So tonight, we begin the final leg of our journey.  Two nights ago, Shawn and I sat across from each other (he on the couch, me in the booth) and decided that his grandma’s failing health was the call beckoning us back a week earlier than we had intended. 

It seems like such a small alteration to the plans: one week. But as I took a walk at our campground in rural Indiana after our decision, I felt so strange.  By the end of the existing week, our trip would be over.  My heart was fragmented with feeling:

Excitement (anticipating the tight hugs and grinning faces of so many folks that we love and miss.)

Regret (were there things left undone on this trip, moments I missed or didn’t hold quite long enough?)

Sadness (when anything great ends, sadness is always an appropriate response.)

Celebration (when anything great ends, celebration is always an appropriate response.)

Fear (that our great adventure has come to an end; that a humdrum existence is all we can expect from here on out.)

I shared that last feeling with a friend over email yesterday.  But as I wrote it, my fear dissipated; fear has gotten more feeble on this journey. So I wrote this to my friend: “But I also know that God is far more wild than that.”

In the past 4 months, I’ve seen more beauty than in my entire life up to this point. It was holy yet tangled, majestic yet terrifying, serene yet treacherous. And I found myself often asking this question: “What kind of a God makes a creation like this?” 

A wild one.

* * * * *

Thanks to the following bloggers for reviewing or announcing our book (check these folks out if you get a chance):

Scott Bennett
Pilar Arsenec
Kelly Chripczuk
The Messy Middle

And the Winners of “How to Use a Runaway Truck Ramp” Are…

First of all, I’d like to say thanks to the following bloggers for helping me promote the book today. I couldn’t do it without these great internet friends:

Andrea Ward (review)

Brenda Boitson (This is a review, and you can still win a free copy by leaving a comment!)

Bryan Allain (announcement/review)

Dan Schmidt (announcement)

Diane Rivers (review)

Eric Wyatt (excerpt)

Jennifer Luitweiler (excerpt)

Jon Stolpe (excerpt)

Katharine Grubb (announcement)

Ken Mueller (guest post written by me that will change your life)

Kevin Haggerty (announcement)

Lisa Delay (announcement)

Rebekah Grace Johnson (review)

(If I missed your post, please let me know and I’ll include it in tomorrow’s list of bloggers.)

Now, for the five winners…

PreetamDas Kirtana
Adam Kolosik
David Peck
Tim Thurman
Kim Wilson

Thanks to everyone for helping me spread the word today. There are more great reviews and guest posts coming this week, so stay tuned. If you are one of the winners, please message me your mailing address and I’ll get your copy into the mail! It should arrive early next week.