My Top 14 Choices to Moderate the Next Presidential Debate

It would appear that many people were less than enthused with Jim Lehrer’s moderation of the first Presidential debate. I don’t have too much to say about that, except that I know I wouldn’t want to be the one stuck between those two human representations of all the special interests in the (not-so-free) world.

But, hey, if you all want change, it’s change you’re gonna get. Here are 14 candidates for you to choose from – help decide who gets to moderate the next debate by voting in the comments. Or if none of these suit your fancy, pick someone else. You’re free to decide! After all, this isn’t the Presidential election.

Conan O’Brien – Anyone whose Twitter bio is “The voice of the people. Sorry, people” deserves a shot. Plus, there’s the hair.

Sacha Baron Cohen – Preferably in his Borat Mankini. Okay, maybe “preferably” isn’t the word I’m looking for.

The Count – The moderator of the next debate obviously has to have Big Bird’s back. Don’t make him count to three…

Or we could go with his cousin:

Count Chocula – (Random fact: you can buy a box of this cereal on Amazon for $9.51)

Garth from Wayne’s World – For some reason he came to mind. Not sure why. My younger demographic probably doesn’t even know who he is.

Elmo – After watching the documentary Being Elmo, I basically want Elmo involved in every facet of society.

Bryan Allain – Lancaster’s resident funny man. I’d like to think he’d bring some of his Amish expertise into the mix, as well as his refreshing ideas for debate moderation.

The Trolley from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood – The Trolley would fit in nicely with our two candidates: his communication is indecipherable, he’s constantly going back and forth, and he spends most of his time in a make-believe world.

Frank Costanza – Just because I love the way he transitions from normal talking to impassioned-rage-filled shouting.

Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber – Because presidential candidates basically talk like this, except with fancier words:

Lloyd: You’re it.
Harry: You’re it.
Lloyd: You’re it, quitsies!
Harry: Anti-quitsies, you’re it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd: You can’t do that!
Harry: Can too!
Lloyd: Cannot, stamp it!
Harry: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!
Lloyd: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.
Harry: No, you can’t do that… you can’t triple stamp a double stamp, you can’t triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!
Lloyd: [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Kit from Knight Rider – Go over your allotted time? The missiles pop out of the quarter panels.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – Okay, I concede that giving him this kind of platform would be counterproductive on some kind of world relations standard. And he’s delusional. But you have to admit, it would make for entertaining television.

Simon Cowell – Someone who says it like it is.

Lord Voldemort – I don’t know. Maybe he’d be a little excessive.


16 Replies to “My Top 14 Choices to Moderate the Next Presidential Debate”

  1. I would love to see the Simon Cowell version of the debates. Although Kit from Knight Rider and his missiles is a very close second!

    1. Simon would just tell them how awful they are and how he prefers the sound of dying kittens.

  2. I LOVE Frank Costanza from this list. For me, I’d have to say I could really enjoy the debates if they were moderated by a Broadway show tunes star, I’m thinking Nathan Lane, Neil Patrick Harris, Kristin Chenowith. Could we get Andrew Llyod Webber up there? It would seem so much more tolerable to me.

  3. Great suggestions! I posted on Facebook the other day that I thought Donald Trump, Randy Jackson or Ryan Seacrest would be obvious choices. But since we’re also including movie personas, I think Joe Pesci’s character from Goodfellas/My Cousin Vinny/Casino/Home Alone (they’re all essentially the same person) would be great. I can hear him saying, “Now go get your frickin’ shine box, Romney.”

  4. I want to see Frank Costanza host a Festivus-themed debate. He could open with the Airing of Grievances and close with the Feats of Strength.

  5. Frank castanza fur show!!! Now I’d def watch that as long as there was some yelling involved!

  6. Ben Swann. If you’ve never heard of him, look him up. The only actual reporter who REPORTS the news, instead of being a “newscaster”

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