Romney Team Propagates Five New Rumors…About Romney

In an effort to emulate the successful 2008 Obama campaign, Romney’s team has begun circulating rumors eerily similar to those Obama waded through for the last four years.

“While we do not explicitly deny or admit starting these rumors,” one high-ranking Republican official claimed, “We have noted the way the Democrats came together in fighting the ridiculous claims against Obama, and we want in on that solidarity action.”

The rumors began appearing in online chat forums and random blogs Monday night, and Romney’s team has maintained an eery silence, adding further fuel to the fire. Here is the “misinformation” that has been leaked to the public so far:

1 – Romney is actually a Buddhist. In a direct counter to the “Obama is actually a Muslim,” the Romney campaign tried to ratchet things up a notch by releasing the rumor that Romney is a Buddhist. Unfortunately this backfired – apparently no one cares if you come from a religion known mostly for meditation and self-realization. They have quickly retreated to their original stance that he is a Mormon, believing that could still garner enough controversy on the religion front.

2 – Romney was not born in the US – he was born in the Soviet Union. President Obama was born in Kenya? The Romney camp can do better than that. They’re now claiming a Soviet heritage. Images suspected to be photoshopped by Romney’s team now show the hint of a scar protruding from his hairline, leading to rumor #3 that:

3 – Romney is the secret son of Mikhail Gorbachev. This would appear in some way to be their counter to the “Obama is the son of Malcolm X” rumor. With nuclear weapons and a long dead Cold War rivalry thrown in for good measure.

4 – Romney is actually a woman. Rumors that President Obama might be gay circulated as early as 2010. The Romney team seemed disappointed that they had been beaten to the punch on that one, and have fallen back to the claim that Romney is actually transgender. Apparently he went by Mittsy. And was a lesbian. In other news, they can’t find his birth certificate to support or deny these claims.

5 – Romney is a Nazi. “Conservatives were quick to label Obama as a socialist,” one Romney insider noted. “We think that in some strange way that gave him some kind of political clout. We’re going the Nazi route. But Mitt’s unwillingness to thump the podium, let madness trickle into his eyes, or grow a small mustache is impeding the spread of the rumor.”

Polls have yet to reveal if the rumors have had any affect on voter confidence.

2 Replies to “Romney Team Propagates Five New Rumors…About Romney”

  1. Smucker! You really nailed this. So great. Satire might be your thing. Then again, your descriptive prose is also excellent. Darn you.

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