On Failure, Responsibility, and Finding Family

“do we subconsciously feed our girls less, for fear of them being fat, or do we trust them to know when they’re hungry and full? do we teach shame, or pride? the good kind of pride, the kind that says i’m a daughter of a heavenly father, and i have no reason to be afraid of what man can do to me. because i’m loved.”

* * * * *

“In theory, this responsibility scares me.  Before I was a parent, the task of raising up a human seemed enormous.  But in reality, no one else can speak to my kids like I can.  No one else knows when to count ominously, “1…2…don’t make me get to 3” or when to kneel down with open arms.  Someone else might guess.  They would probably even guess correctly.  Parenting isn’t rocket science.  Still, they wouldn’t be in tune with my child in the same way I am, feeling about them the way I do.  They’re as much a part of me as my feet or my fingers.”

* * * * *

“All of this brought such a feeling of failure, not even really about me, but about my family, my kids. It was killing me that I was bringing possible struggle onto my kids. I can handle my choices hurting me in painful ways but I cannot handle hurting my wife and kids. That felt unbearable and that is what I was carrying with me back and forth between work like a ton of bricks. It’s the only thing that forced me to face my fear, to feel it, to stay lost until I figured something out. Otherwise, I would have just ran.”

* * * * *

“I’m over roommates, friends. Thirty-two is looming on the horizon and I’m over roommates. I’m over “doing life” with people and splitting rent. I’m over it. All I knew two years ago when thirty was looming on the horizon was that I wanted family and nothing else would do.”

* * * * *

“I’ve been busy, but I’ve also been bogged down. I’m currently going through the toughest stretch of my life. I’ve never been under so much pressure. I’m married, I have a mortgage payment and a one-month old baby boy…and I haven’t made significant money from my business in almost a month.”

* * * * *

“So, there is no conspiracy to silence or ignore the Gnostic writings. They are seen — and even embraced — as an important aspect of the early church.”

“Now here’s where your question contains the answer to your question. You ask why Christianity can so conveniently dispose of alternate narratives of the Christian story. As a student of church history, I can attest that there has been nothing convenient about the church’s journey of orthodoxy and canonicity.”

* * * * *

“Sand trails traipse from bed to beach and back
around. Sun warm paths to wide-eyed wonder,
heavy lidded slumber capping days lived hot.”

* * * * *

“As the story goes, it used to take me two days to write a single article. The process was so painful, that I’d write the next article after a month. And as you’d expect, two days of that month and all the months to follow, were miserable as well.”

* * * * *

“I contemplate nothingness, the nothingness I felt when I went to church, the nothingness I felt when the butcher greeted me by name, and I wonder if this is not the sign of something, if this feeling of nothingness is a warning.”

“Until I realize, this is a feeling of peace.”

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