When I was in kindergarten I wasn’t allowed to go outside for recess until I ate my fruit-filled jello. I didn’t like apples, so I sat there at the table while my five-year-old peers ran carefree through the gym, or played on the swings.
This is probably the primary reason that I hate fruit.
But there are ten more:
1) Seeds – raspberries are really the only fruit I remotely enjoy eating, but those little seeds are annoying. I’m always worried I’m going to break a tooth.
2) Cores – I don’t like cores. But my daughter never had a problem with them. Give her an apple to eat, and she’d come back to you holding a small piece of stem, having eaten the entire thing: apple, core, seeds, the whole thing. Did you know that apple seeds have cyanide in them? Why would I eat food that contains a poisonous substance?
3) Original Sin – without fruit, we’d still be romping naked through the Garden of Eden, playing with our pet lions. Now we mostly wear clothes, and lions eat us. I blame fruit.
4) Peels – there’s nothing peskier than a well-placed banana peel.
5) Pies – nothing ruins a good pie more than adding some fruit. Vanilla pie? Yum. Pecan pie? Awesome. Cantaloupe pie? Yuck.
6) Pits – peach pits look like little brains. Why would I eat something if it is going to expose that thing’s walnut-sized brain?
7) Texture – this is probably my biggest hang-up with fruit. The texture. I’m not into the springy crunch of apples, the mushy sensation of a banana, or the sandpapery feel of watermelon.
8) Fruit Cake – I used to like cake. Then I tried fruit cake. If you want to ruin a perfectly good cake, put fruit in it.
9) Fruit trees – I fell out of a cherry tree when I was young and hit every branch on my way down. This was not a pleasant experience. No fruit = no fruit trees = no pain in the world.
10) Fruit flies – these demons from the underworld come literally out of no where. One day, you have a bowl with some fruit in it. The next day, you have a bowl with fruit in it and a swarm of flies. According to my scientific analysis, this means that fruit flies are actually the offspring of fruit.
Am I alone? Am I the only person on the face of the planet who scorns fruit?